your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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