Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
