last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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