I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
