I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
