I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
