mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My ass is underappreciated
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
