How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
