my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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