Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
