I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
