he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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