I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
