Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
