I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think i have two assholes
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
