I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
