I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
3pm strippers are depressing
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
