I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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