he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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