okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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