Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
