yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
