How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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