I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
