Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
