Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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