I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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