how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
