enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
