just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i out mim tonsoeep
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