my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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