Where did you get a picture of my penis
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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