I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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