In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
