Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
