and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
