I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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