so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
