you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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