I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
