i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
