Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We are two peas in an std pod
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
