im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
