I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
