My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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