sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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