So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
