I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
