Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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