He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
