Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
