I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
